it's been a while since i've written an update about my life, especially one involving a fun story. so i thought tonight would be a great time to do just that.

i returned yesterday from SB, where i was hanging out with Les during her last few days, watching her graduate, and then helping her pack and move out. on thursday night we went to downtown SB, about 20 minutes away from campus, with a number of her friends. after drinking some jack and coke, to which i still have a minor taste aversion -- damn Prospector Joe -- and downing a shot of tequila for Nick, we began walking through Isla Vista and picked up a few of her friends, stopping to drink at the Study Hall and Sandi's house on our way to Bill's Bus -- a small fleet of decomissioned city buses replete with garbage bags tied to various poles for those who need to vomit and which will transport you roundtrip from IV to downtown Santa Barbara on party nights for a mere $9.

while downtown we had a couple beers, and danced a lot at Que's. as the singular male, i had the enviable job of cock-blocking creepy older men and strange or unscrupulous younger males from dancing with the girls in the group. and believe me, i blocked the hell out of that cock with my fierce gyrations and guy buttocks -- the best force field against lascivious drunkards. so after a couple of hours, we took the first return bus which left at 12:30. the bus was running a little late, and as we waited we watched two mildly intoxicated latino guys run and try to jump over each other's heads with varying success. these guys would become our best friends on the bus.

our group got onto the bus pretty quickly, and managed the seats nearest to the front: with an open seat to my right, and another across from me next to those two leap-froggin fellows. we were comfortably seated when an incredibly thin and incredibly drunk girl in a black shirt, henceforth "black-shirt girl", swayed slowly down the aisle, her eyes unable to focus, and plopped down in the first available seat, which was across from me. the guy following her, who proved to be just as drunk, sat next to me. to test just how plastered the black-shirt girl was, our high-jumpers started to snap in front of her face, and when that elicited a questionable response, they started laughing and moving a hand near and then away from her face in a gripping motion, like they were going to delicately pluck off her nose from over a foot away. then the guy next to me yelled something slurrily at them, since he was apparently her boyfriend, and the girl managed to rise and go sit on his lap. within 20 seconds both of them passed out. the vacated seat across from me was then filled by another girl -- "white-shirt girl" -- who seemed almost as out of it as her predecessor. with all of the seats now full, her friend stood next to her. as white-shirt girl's head began to lull backwards and her eyes close, her friend, also rather tipsy, started to slap white-shirt girl violently and repeatedly in the face. white-shirt girl then slurred: "whhyyy thuh fuck are yoouu hittiiiinnngg meee?!", to which her friend replied, "you haaave to stay awake! people die when they pass out!". and while this seemed to keep white-shirt girl conscious for a few moments, her friend's concern didn't last that long once a guy that she knew showed up and who garnered all of her attention. our leap-frogging friends, now cracking up with the over-zealous slap attack just as we were, started to re-enact it, and then, even more eloquently, they began freestyle rapping about riding on Bill's Bus and getting pimp smacked.

the lights had turned off, and we were underway. meanwhile, next to me the passed out girl in black and her trusty, unconscious, shaggy-haired man both started to lean on me, and i had to give them the repeated brush back with my forearm. after a few minutes though, the black-shirted girl made a move that made me rather nervous: she leaned forward and a strange gargly groan came from her throat. i looked over at les, and she got up so i could slide into her seat and then she sat on my lap as we eyed miss black-shirt anxiously. i started to reach for the trash bag tied around the bar above us, but it was too late. she vomited pale chunks all over the floor of the bus, and very few seemed to notice. Les and i held the bag open, trying to get her to clutch it, but she was unresponsive and heaving up more. at that, we tried to situate it as well as we could and then left the white bag to its sickening fate.

we got up and moved to the front of the bus to stand by Amy and Tiff, and our emptied seats were promptly filled by the white-shirt girl's friend and her flirtee. the white-shirt girl had disappeared, we saw, only to be found straddling one of our jumpers-turned-rappers who had been clowning on her earlier. he was keeping her at a distance, obviously amused, but too good of a guy (or perhaps a little too repulsed) to meet her advances. she was swaying at the end of his knees, and more then once seemed like she was going to topple off. at this Tiff began praying with all of her might that white-shirt girl would fall into the growing puddle of puke behind her, because that would consummate the ridiculousness of this bus ride. unfortunately, god didn't open that door, but did point us towards a window with an equally hilarious and disgusting view. white-shirt girl's friend was now on top of her flirtee, who was sitting in my former seat right next to the vomiting girl in black, and giving him a lap dance. both were well into it, when we noticed that the black-shirted girl was leaning ominously over in the flirtee's direction. we waited with clenched noses and bated breath. she didn't vomit just on his shoe, because that would have been understandable, as he's not likely to feel that while drunk and with a girl grinding his pelvis, rather she vomited on his knee and down his leg. but the kicker is that neither white-shirt girl nor her new boy-toy realized it. they went on with the lap-dance as the girl continued to vomit on him. it was a good 2 or 3 minutes before the guy stopped her, and looked over at his leg. then, to top it off, he tried to wipe it off with his hand. it was all too much, and we were barely off of the freeway. once in IV, however, the vomit began to move as the bus stopped and turned, and the smell was awfully acrid. as soon as the bus stopped, we jumped off while the lights went up and the entire bus population started to groan as they finally saw the mess. the entire thing was absurd.

well that was just one fun story.
i'll give you all an update either later tonight or tomorrow, depending on my ability.