finals are done, as is my third year of college, and early tomorrow morning i'm driving home with mi madre. this summer, this next year, will be pretty important in deciding the rest of my life. though i'm trying desperately not to think in those terms. life as experienced is an amalgamation of moments i guess, memorial nebulae, people, places, impressions... this summer my goal is to write an order, or rather write about trying to find or make an order, which i hope may allow me to find or make an order of my own.

but i'm frightened of that too. failure is inescapable precisely because the order that feels like it matters can't be made or found, and i'm afraid Nietzsche's right about that one. my best bet would be to stop looking, at least with that frame of mind.

this is all obtuse though. but i'm going to try to make it clear, so you can see and feel the urgency. so you can bask while you rip apart your insides, and somehow still be joyful in the failure. because that's what i need.

living always comes before a meaning for living.